youknowyourebritishwhen:

Here I shall give you six jolly good instructions on how to be English. 

1. Grumble about everything, it’s the quickest way to master British English. All the bell ends you call ‘friends’ have done bugger all wrong, but blimey, they still bumble about spilling enough cack from their gobs to fill car park. Not to mention the weather! It’s enough to make anyone mardy. Mark my words, a good old chin wag with a stranger about a local mong will help you make friends quicker than butter melts on toast.
2. Wear a top hat. Everywhere. A monocle is optional, but it is advised to get one. Change eyes regularly to confuse tourists and passers by.
3. Make friends with the Queen. And eat scones with her. Every day. By the tower of London. (P.S. to be English you will most definitely have to live in London.)
4. Occasionally shout out “BLOODY HELL”, “Cor Blimey!”, “Jolly good show” and “Delightfully spiffing”. Greet everyone with “Good morning sir / madam. Frightful weather we’re having, isn’t it?” even if it’s sunny. When departing, leave them with the gentle words of “Toodle pip!”
5. Hate everyone. The French, the Americans, the Scottish, the Welsh, the Irish, your neighbour, your spouse, even your dog (however as a nation of animal lovers, don’t hate your dog too much). You know what, even you’re not worth liking, hate yourself too. This is essential to being English.
6. At the end of a long hard day being English, curl up near the telly with a bickie and a cuppa and watch Eastenders for some good old English entertainment.

Now you have mastered these steps, you are officially English! Congratulations. Now nobody likes you, but it’s okay, because you’re English and you don’t like them either.